I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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