If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize