Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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