Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We have started to decorate penises.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
