Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
