last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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