At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I checked into jail on foursquare
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
