I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I've blown a few things in my day
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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