Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
