my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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