you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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