sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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