I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
