i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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