I wish you could order shots online.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
