How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is Oprah even human
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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