I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
