we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
