I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
