I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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