I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What a dumb baby whore.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
