what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize