My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize