never play flip cup with pint glasses
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
