If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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