First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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