The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
