I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
