Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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