If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
