why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
