My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
