my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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