do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
