I can text with my tongue
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
