good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
