Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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