her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
