My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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