They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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