I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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