Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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