So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Ladies don't puke and tell
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
