WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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