I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
