Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
