No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
