A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
