So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
