We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
