i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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