I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
