So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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