Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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