I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
